I continue to be plagued and labeled as “other” on a regular
basis because people feel it is OK to ask, What Are You?
I wish they realized how it immediately creates distance
because they imply, I am an outsider—not one of the gang--- something abnormal.
For the record, it is completely inappropriate to ask this
question when it is not pertinent to the interaction. In fact, there is rarely an occasion when
this question is appropriate.
My response is usually,
what do you mean? Or why do you ask? Even when I respond with I am American, or I am from
Chicago, the person who asks is not satisfied. That is because the real question is, What Non-White Group are you from? I just don’t want to directly ask this
because it will make me sound small.
Here is an article written by a woman who advisors others on
how to NOT ask this question. I agree
with her points.
If you
haven't been able to surmise from my little avatar photo off to the side and my
non-WASP name (although, sometimes I like to prance about in Victorian lace
numbers and call myself Marjorie Altringham), I am Not a White Person. This
means I am a walking version of this fun little game called "What Kind of
Not White Person Are You?" Here's how it goes: I introduce myself to you
at a party or some such social gathering. You introduce yourself as well. In an
attempt to get to know me better, or maybe just keep the conversation going,
you want to know exactly how I am a Not a White Person. Which is totally
fine at the right time and place, because I love gabbing on about my immigrant
parents and how much I love mango pickle. It's all good fun in post-racial
America, like wearing a red, white, and blue dashiki on the fourth of July (who
knew you could don a dashiki and be patriotic at the same damn time?!)
But the
majority of the time I play this game, supposedly well-intentioned people
curious about my brownness go about asking it in the wrong way. No, not the
wrong way- the ASSHOLE way. I get it, really. You grew up in a suburb of
Indianapolis and no one ever taught you how to not be an asshole. That's
actually my life story, too, but you can't always throw Indianapolis under the
bus as your excuse for being ignorant.
Fret
not, dear reader. I'm here to sift through insane Yahoo! Answers and my own
Brown Girl Feelings to tell you exactly how not to be an asshole when asking a
Not White Person about their ethnicity. It's really very simple once you get
the hang of it! Let's practice together, shall we?
HOW TO
ASK ABOUT ETHNICITY: THE AXXXXXE WAY
Bring
it up right away.
Hint:
Do not do this:
-Hi, my
name's _______.
-Nice
to meet you, I'm ________.
-Cool. So, like, what is
your ethnicity?
This is
instantly othering. It might be okay to ask, "where did you grow up?"
But even then, proceed with caution. It's fine to be curious, and asking about
where someone grew up is a good way to figure out if they smoked weed for the
first time in the back of a minivan next to a Dairy Queen or on a fire escape
next to a vegan co-op. But asking about ethnicity right off the bat is an
obnoxious way to ask about something that isn't really relevant to basic
introductions. Ask how I know the host, or if I watched the game last night (I
didn't). Unless I'm sporting a button that says, "Ask me about my
ethnicity!" you really just need to let that burning desire to figure out
my brownness go.
"No,
but where are you really from?"
For
most people, "where you're from" is where you grew up and lived for
the majority of your life, or maybe the city where you were born. But asking
where someone is really from is not the right way to figure out where my
bushy eyebrows and gigantic nose are really from. (They're from ancient
Mesopotamia, jerk!) Again, this is othering, making a person feel like they
need to explain why they look the way they do.
"But
like, where are your parents from?"
See
above explanation. Rinse, repeat.
"Let
me guess where you're from!"
The
guessing game is the best way to make someone feel like a trivialized object
for your viewing pleasure. People who play it sound like the Earl of Burma
attempting to pinpoint the specific village from where some subject of the
British Raj hails. My ethnicity is not a game, so save your guesses for Twenty
Questions.
Say
anything about me is "exotic."
Here's
how the dictionary defines "exotic":
exotic: [ig-zot ik]
adjective: of foreign origin or character; not native; introduced from abroad,
but not fully naturalized or acclimatized: exotic foods; exotic plants.
Guess
what? Everything everywhere in the world is non-native now. They have KFC in
Japan and sushi in Sacramento. They've got Pakistanis in Norway and Norwegians
in Nepal, etc. etc. It's called globalization, people, and it's made this
colonial word obsolete. Nothing about my suburban-Indiana upbringing was
exotic, let me tell you, so please refrain from describing me as such.
"What
are you?"
Sigh.
This question. There are many ways to answer it, like, "I'm hungry,"
"I'm human," or "I'm Tan Mom," but most often, the frenzied
mix of anger and disbelief prevents me from answering with words, leaving me to
the only other form of communication I know: rolling my eyes and a slow SMH, at
best. Take this question, tie it to a rock, and throw it to the bottom of the
retention pond in your neighborhood so no one has to hear it ever again.
HOW TO
ASK ABOUT ETHNICITY: THE NON-AXXXXXXE WAY
Don't
ask at all.
Seriously,
the best way to find out is to let someone volunteer the information.
"What's
your ethnicity?" (At the appropriate time and place)
See!
It's not so hard! Ask when it's appropriate, like when you're about to make a
racist joke about an entire people and you want to cover your bases. JK don't
do that. Being curious about someone's ethnicity is perfectly fine, but just be
aware that how and when you ask it has an impact on people, and if you're an
asshole about it, the impact is othering. I've never been curt enough to say it
when people ask me about my ethnicity, but the question that always pops up in
my mind is, "Why? Why do you need to know at this particular
time?" Ask yourself why you're doing it before you question someone
about their background. If their ethnicity is relevant to the conversation, or
perhaps you're at a point in your friendship where the question is appropriate,
then it's fine. But chances are, if you're asking just to ask, you really just
shouldn't.
In the
words of Dodai, "Keep yourself in check and don't be a jerk." It's
that simple.
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